The end of last week to about this point has been a little crazy… The prison video of the brutal assault on my husband (who was then working as a CO) was leaked to the press and has been playing repeatedly on the news since Thursday. On one hand, it’s a positive thing, because it brings to light just how dangerous a CO’s job really is. The news story really focused on CO suicide and how it’s on the rise, and the prevention of that is also a cause that is very near and dear to me and Nate’s hearts. But on the other hand, as people who went through a traumatic situation, we felt violated.
That video shows a con stabbing a homemade knife through my husband’s neck… shows my husband falling to the ground… shows him struggling to get up to offer assistance to a female CO who was then attacked afterward.
Or so I’m told. I haven’t watched it, because I’m not sure that I could recover from that.
But still, it’s a very intimate thing to have shared with so many people. To so many, it’s just a sensational story. The x-ray of my husband (who – according to doctors – should be dead or quadriplegic) has shock value and takes the breath away of anyone who sees it. But to me, it’s life. It’s what happened to us. It’s a reminder of a terrifying time during which God worked miracles and people came together to support us.
It’s pure raw emotion.
I made the mistake of looking over some comments people had left under a written article about it. Someone had wrote that the CO who was stabbed obviously deserved it, since CO’s beat inmates. I cried. I felt angry. That a completely stranger would say that my husband (one of the most forgiving, fair men I have ever met) deserved to be stabbed?
I can’t process that kind of hate directed at my family.
The past few days have been up and down. I’m good 95% of the time. But then something will happen that makes all the raw emotion come pouring back, and I’m suddenly crying. The assault happened 3 years ago, but it’s amazing how those memories can come rushing back as though it happened yesterday.
But then, I pray, and hug Nate, and call a friend… And I’m strong again. For now. Because I know that I have a God on my side who is bigger than any circumstance. And I know that I have family and friends who are backing us up. And every time I see the scars on Nate’s neck, I’m reminded of all the times that God intervened and saved us.
But that’s not the only thing going on right now…
Amidst the craziness of all this, the State is trying to cut Nate off from his benefits. If they win, it will mean no more paycheck. Nate and the other CO have not yet been cleared to work yet, so they are not allowed to. Up to this point, they have received disability pay. And although that was cut a few months ago, with careful budgeting we’ve been okay. And yet, on Deceber 15th, we meet at the DA’s office in order to plead our case.
And if we lose, there will be no more pay.
The thought of not having money for our mortgage payment, groceries, diapers, and formula freaks me out. So I’m doing what I did when Nate was first assaulted and when I worried about finances. I gave it to God. I can’t worry about that right now on top of trying to be strong for Nate and for my son.
Worrying doesn’t do anything, and this whole situation is out of my hands.
I have to pray and believe that the State will have mercy on us while they figure out what Nate can do in terms of retirement or work…. And that our paycheck will continue to come in the mail. And that maybe the final outcome – when everything is settled – will be even better than we’d hoped.
But if it doesn’t? I also have to believe that everything will be okay.
I know I don’t usually write posts like this. I generally wait until I can see the positive outcome or the humor. But I guess I just wanted to share what we’ve been going through lately. I’ve honestly not been able to write a blog post, because this is just on the forefront of my mind. I needed to get it all out before I could write about anything else… 🙂 AND I want to be able to look back on this post someday and see how God once again provided! 🙂
Because I know He will!!