I’m a planner. Always have been… Probably always will be. I like my ducks in a row. I like to be prepared for anything and everything. I like to dream but to still be prepared for worst case scenario.
So when a situation leaves me clueless and without a definite sense of direction, I struggle big-time. Think whale stranded on the beach kind of struggle. And as you can imagine, it ain’t pretty.
Blub… Blub… Blub…
Life since Nate’s assault has been anything but according to plan. Right now, he’s receiving disability pay, so we’re good… but that will end after awhile. Some people say that Nate will be taken care of, because he’s a hero. Other rumors say Nate will be asked to retire, due to his inability to work on the job any longer.
Neither option sounds very good so far. If Nate goes back and isn’t able to do the work, they could fire him, no questions asked. (We’ve already been warned that this is a very real possibility, since our state — like most others — is looking to cut back spending wherever possible). If he retires, he’d make 72% of his pay and then be able to work part-time to make up the remaining 30%. But he would never receive another raise and if he made more money at his part-time job, they would cut his retirement pay. That means, at the age of 30, he would be capped off and would never receive a penny more.
If more money was needed in the future to support our family, I would be the one to carry that financial responsibility.
It’s kind of a damned-if-you-do and damned-if-you-don’t type of situation.
Nate keeps reminding me that worrying about what will happen doesn’t do any good. Right now, we’re okay.
But I think that learning to really focus on God, instead of a situation, is a learning process. And I’m not “there” yet. I’ve still got a ways to go when it comes to taking that deep breath and just focusing on today… instead of worrying about tomorrow.
It got so bad the other day that I was a tangled mess of emotions. No lie, I was driving along the road, when I had to slow down for a cluster of turkeys crossing the road. And the last turkey in line hobbled after the rest of his friends, obviously slowed down by an injured leg. And I started crying hysterically for the poor turkey with the bum leg.
Yeahhh, that’s how you know you need to calm down already!
But all that to say, I don’t write this blog post for sympathy. I write it, because every day I get stronger… more confident in taking life one day at a time. I write it because one day, I want to read this post and remember how confused and lost I felt when it came to the future of our finances. (Kind of like that poor turkey with the bum leg who was trying so desperately to keep up with the rest of his flock).
And I know I’ll finish reading — and remembering — with a smile. Because in that moment, I won’t just believe that God will guide us through, as He always has.
I’ll know. 🙂