There are moments when all time stands still, and you forget to breathe. When you’re left helpless.
When there is absolutely nothing you can do, despite the insatiable desire inside you to fight with every ounce of strength you possess. You cannot control what happens. You cannot heal the wounds, or soothe the pain, or make all the hurt go away. So you sit back, silent and still, although you want to run until your lungs scream for air and punch until your arms fall to your sides exhausted. Because then, you’ll at least feel as though you did something.
But the reality of the world we live in is that there are times when you do have to let go and let God.
From the moment I was first told that Nate may be a quadriplegic, I put absolutely everything in God’s hands… because I had to. My initial prayers of, “God, I can’t live without him,” began to feel selfish as I thought about my independent husband and how much he loved life. I cried and begged God to please, please spare him. To please keep him here with me, because I couldn’t imagine life without him.
But then I also prayed the impossible prayer of, “God, if the doctor’s fears are true, please take him to heaven,” because I knew that losing all of his motor abilities would break his spirit. That he would spend the rest of his days worrying about me and my happiness.
And I realized that all I wanted was his happiness.
That kind of prayer doesn’t come without trust. Without knowing that God can use even the most horrendous of circumstances for some good. And while this kind of trust, belief, and hope was always a part of me, I can honestly say that it has become so much more alive than I ever thought possible.
I have seen that trust carry us through. Not only did Nate recover faster than anyone thought possible, but he and I have both felt the calming peace of all the prayers surrounding us. There’s hope, like a breath of fresh air when everything around us seems uncertain. No matter the outcome, it will be okay.
Nate thought aloud the other day, wondering if he’ll ever be able to run around with our future kids or will the numbness below his waist be permanent? Singing was always his passion, and he was so amazing at it. Will he ever be able to sing again?
Will the pain go away?
And what about our seemingly, bullet-proof financial plans? We don’t even really know where this will leave Nate’s ability to work where he was before. It’s all lost in the black hole of the unknown.
But despite the uncertainty, the unfamiliar, and the not knowing, I find peace. And even if there are days when I might feel over-whelmed by it all, I know – without a shadow of a doubt – that everything will come together for good. Because although I have seen my husband suffer pain, I have also seen him supported, loved, and taken care of in ways I could have never imagined. It has strengthened my faith and shown me how beautiful people truly are. I have learned to treasure each moment and have realized that I love my man even more than I thought possible.
And although tomorrow’s plans might not be set in stone, I know that taking it one day at a time is really all that is required; because already, we have been brought through so much. God hasn’t let us down yet. I definitely don’t expect Him to now.
Yes, there are moments when all time stands still, and you forget to breathe. When you’re left helpless.
But then you leave it in the hands of the One who does hold tomorrow. And from that moment on, no matter what comes, nothing can shake you. Ever.