The day had been a never-ending compilation of events that – on their own – would have been funny. But in the moment, with everything happening back-to-back, I started to spiral towards that first pregnancy meltdown. (See My First Preggo Meltdown – Part 1).
Like when I slipped into one of my favorite T’s, only to realize that it no longer covered my belly bump. It wouldn’t have been an issue had our plans that night consisted of attending a costume party at which I could try to pass off as Magilla Gorilla. Nor would it have bothered me had the handful of shirts that still fit me not all been dirty and in the laundry basket. But since neither were the case, and I honestly couldn’t find a decent outfit that fit, we decided to do pizza at home instead of our planned, date night out. (Still delicious, but a slight disappointment just the same).
Other moments were my fault. Like when I dropped the last piece of cheddar cheese (the one snack I was truly craving) on the floor. Actually, I kind of flung it across the kitchen. One second I was looking down at it and bringing it towards my mouth… and the next second, it was hurtling through space. I’m not sure that I can blame my weird, wrist reflex on pregnancy; unless maybe the baby somehow kicked a nerve that controls my hand movement. That’s not very likely, but let’s just run with that. It sounds so much more believable than me randomly throwing my snacks across the room.
That being said, I totally would have still eaten the cheese-gone-wild (five second rule, and all) had my cat not decided to pounce on it, leaving behind enough hair to cover Chewbacca.
By the end of the cheese-tossing, floor falling, nothing-fits, swollen ankles day, let’s just say that I was feeling a whole lot more like throwing something then laughing. And, no, throwing that piece of cheese didn’t count, because it hadn’t been intentional.
But my meltdown officially began when I found out that pregnant women, once in their second trimester, are not supposed to sleep on their stomachs OR their backs (due to serious complications that can arise for both mom and baby). I knew the stomach rule, but this back-sleeping info was completely new to me.
When my friend called to tell me this, I was convinced that this torturous bit of information could not be true. But I should have known that it was, because she’s pregnant and therefore knows better than to joke about these sorts of things. (Please note that this is before I had ordered my pregnancy pillow… to which I will soon dedicate an entire blog post because it is that wonderful). :)
So that night, I cried.
“It’s hard enough having cankles, and no brain, and backaches all the time, “I said, sobbing into my pillow. “But now they’re messing with my sleep? How am I supposed to sleep like this?” I stiffened my body, lying straight as a board on my left side, to really emphasize how uncomfortable it would be to sleep ALL night like this.
This was also followed by me tearfully admitting to Nate that I sometimes worry he won’t be as attracted to me now that my body is changing. That I worry about not being a good enough mom, because this is all so new yet happening so fast.
So delightfully fast. Yet also so fast that it’s scary.
Nate held me close, let me cry my eyes out, promised me that I will be a great mom, laughed a bit when I told him about my day, but then also seriously assured me that I will always be beautiful to him. And he promised that he will be by my side every single step of the way, to laugh with me when I sit down on invisible chairs and to hold me when I’m feeling like everything is falling apart.
With time, I calmed down and realized that I actually already felt a little better. Nate had listened to me spout off my insecurities and frustrations; and – maybe most importantly – he had let me cry. And after releasing those emotions, I actually did feel a whole lot better.
It’s not that my situation had changed. It’s just that I was reminded of the fact that I wasn’t facing it alone.
Sometimes life is hard (whether you’re pregnant or not). And difficult times are best faced with a let’s-make-lemonade attitude and a sense of humor. But I think it’s also very important to be real. It’s okay to admit to someone that you’re feeling insecure or overwhelmed, because it’s impossible to be strong all the time. We’re human, after all. If we were all made of steel then Superman wouldn’t be that big of a deal, and he’d probably be working at the deli in your local supermarket instead of showing off his cape on the big screen.
It’s OKAY to sometimes feel as though you can’t do it. As though things are a little too hard.
It’s okay to cry!
Sure, we all know those people who seem to never stop focusing on the negative and whose Facebook pages are riddled with “poor me” updates. I’m not saying that approach is necessarily healthy. ;) But as much as I’d prefer to focus on the positive, I also am learning that it is okay to admit that you are tired… scared…and overwhelmed.
That you need a whole lot of prayers to help you get through!
Admitting this to someone who truly cares about you is a healthy way to take a step back from the situation and to see it more clearly. And it’s also a way to realize that you’re not walking the journey by yourself.
And you know what? I woke up the next morning and my feet weren’t swollen, my cankles were gone, and – well the backache was still there I suppose. ;) But I felt like my usual happy self, just excited to be going through this process. Because honestly, most days are absolutely amazing! So far, being pregnant has been an unforgettable (in a good way) experience. It’s been little baby kicks, and adorable outfits, nursery planning, and beautiful dreams for the future.
So maybe I had my first pregnancy melt-down… And who knows, maybe it won’t be my last. After all, I still have that lovely third trimester to look forward to. And as my friend Sylvia said, “Girl…….you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.” ;)
But you know what? This whole experience is worth it, so I won’t let the rough patches steal my smile… or my laughter! :) (After all, there’s a precious, sweet surprise waiting for me at the end of this adventure called pregnancy). And I do know that on the days that feel just a little too tough, I won’t have to face it by myself. Because – pregnant or not – no one was meant to do that!